It was the festival of colors. One of her favourites. Not a year had gone by when she did not drench herself playing with water and colors. But today she decided to skip it & stay at home. This festival had too many memories attached to it. It was 5 years ago this day that the stranger she had married discovered her diary. It was five years ago that the relationship that was already shaky, started to completely disseminate. She had left her diary carelessly, part assuming he wouldn’t care to read & part hoping he would. Some part of her wishing he would read and understand her and make everything right between them. She had never imagined her marriage could ever breakdown. It was this day that the downward journey had begun.
Today, she decided to head out for a movie instead. It seemed like the whole city was celebrating the festival with their loved ones, as the streets were completely deserted. She drove down the empty streets and subconsciously stopped at the zebra crossing as the red light blinked at a junction. There was really no other movement on the streets that required her to wait. It did not matter that there was no one to see her. It was the rule & her mind just followed it, without any thought. As the seconds ticked backward in anticipation of the light to turn green, she wondered how the same mind allowed her to be with a man who belonged to someone else. Was there not an unwritten rule there too? She felt no guilt. Her thoughts wandered away to that Saturday night dinner with her friend that had ended way differently than she could ever imagine. She remembered the caresses, every word spoken & every kiss exchanged that evening. This chapter had made her conscious of her own desires. That evening, she had returned home as a different person. A dreamy smile was plastered on her face since. She couldn’t stop replaying that evening in her head over and over again like a record playing in loop. The songs that played on the radio that day hummed in her head, the words of which seemed to have found intense meaning all of a sudden. A week had passed since, but her mind could only think of what happened & what more could have been. She now knew that she wanted to go ‘all the way’ with her friend.
Her thoughts were no longer in her control. She felt as light as a feather drifting in the air, being carried around in every direction where the wind chose to take it, absolutely free, in complete trust but uncertain of where it would land. Where would this take her? Would she now be the Paramour? How would this end?
So, it was another ordinary day. She was busy with insignificant thoughts like what to wear, what to cook, whether to move out or continue to live with the stranger she married… While the former two were simple, the third one got her confused as always. Bored of the train of thoughts that took her nowhere, she decided to seek escape in social media. A platform that often bored her for being fake. But today would be different. She had a new message. It was from someone unknown, never heard the name before. It said , ‘Hi! Do you plan to run the Goa Marathon next month?’ It was normal for people to connect to her on running related issues. She had another life, that as a runner. She could’ve assumed, this was someone who needed help with some logistics; travel, stay, collection of the running bib or any other matter. But it couldn’t be. She had two accounts on the social media & this one, she never used for any running related coordination. She had managed to carefully partition her life. She maintained a different account for that part of her life where she was a helpful, well connected runner & motivator. This part was where she was the really happy, confident, beautiful & carefree mother , friend & a family person. Cautiously, she replied with just, ‘yes’. She was ready to close and move on to something else, when suddenly this name turned online & she received her next message. Something that would change a lot for her in the time to come. ‘ok, see you there then. But promise, no hugs this time’
Seriously! Who was this? He didn’t need any help & then what about hugs? Not a person to forget things too soon, curiosity got the better of her. She clicked on the unknown name & a photo suddenly looked back at her. Here was a face she had seen on the running tracks before. A few cordial hellos had been exchanged earlier. He was from another city she knew. But what about hugs?? So the next message got sent. ‘what is this about hugs? What am I missing?’ An awkward silence followed, then a lengthy message. ‘ last year I was so excited after my good run, I hugged you at the finish. Felt stupid doing that as we don’t even know each other. Had been looking for you ever since, to apologise. So here is my sincere sorry for reacting that way.’ So here was a guy, who spent a year trying to find out her name & track her down for an incident so insignificant that she didn’t even remember! Sweaty hugs after a good run are not that uncommon. She was not the one to give or get them usually, but it surely wasn’t something she would make a big deal of. This guy was either a stalker or a really sincere & honest person. She decided to go with the latter & responded. ‘Apologies accepted. Touched that you took the trouble to track me down just to get things cleared. Funny that I had forgotten the whole incident until just now. Thanks to this, I will remember it for a long time to come 😀 cheers!’
A new friendship had blossomed at the most unlikely situation.
Somewhere in her real world, outside the beautifully painted social media account in which life looked perfect, things began to look different. A hope started to emerge. Maybe there was a life waiting for her outside these four walls, away from the stranger whom she lived with. Maybe she needed to give herself another chance!
This was an unusual task that I was told to accomplish. You might know of it by now. I was to think of an ordinary paragraph, but with a variation. What is a paragraph proportion is still doubtful to yours truly. I think thirty words sounds good. But it could vary according to an individuals opinion. Am I wrong in my thought? This is a short paragraph with a goal. It is towards writing and to honour my nomination. I didn’t think at first that I could do it. But now I am happy.
I was nominated for the Allergic to ‘E’ challenge by Udit and here’s the result.
As you may (not) note above, the paragraph lacks the alphabet ‘E’. Thanks Udit for the nomination 🙂 not nominating anyone further..sorry to break the chain.
And I am actually happy about it. Happy because the only other option is to be hurt or sad and I CHOOSE to be happy. I have decided to take the positive out of all situations. In a marriage you are responsible for only 50% of all the mistakes. It takes time to realise & understand that. The outcome of any situation depends partly on us but also partly on our spouse & we can’t kill ourselves over what is not in our control.
When he didn’t like what I did, he could’ve corrected me or accepted me with my flaws. If he chose to abandon me, it is the path that he chose & not my mistake. He chose to escape rather than face things strongly.
If he chooses to buy a house & move out leaving me with my son, it is the way he visualises his future. You can physically hold back a person, but can’t forcefully connect with anyone at an emotional level. So if he chooses to move away, I feel happy that he has finally decided to let me free.
I am a happy person because my relationship is about to expire..
Have you ever noticed that every smile has a story?
I have plenty of girlfriends. Sometimes I see their pictures and think how perfect they are. Each one beautiful in their own way.
A smile is not always a result of a happy feeling. Sometimes you smile in pain, in anguish, in ridicule or in appreciation. No matter what the reason is, it is like a jewel that adorns & enhances ones’ beauty.
One of my friends kept posting gorgeous smiling pictures of herself. One day I found out that she was a single mother of an autistic boy. Another 40 year old friend who looked no more than 16, was getting out of her abusive marriage. I am known for my smiles myself. What is common between all our smiles is a long story to go with it. When my son was really small, sometimes he would laugh & have tears in his eyes. He would actually be crying. Unable to express himself, he would laugh to mask the tears. How often we do that as adults?
I smile as a reminder to myself that life is beautiful, there is more to it than the pain I see temporarily.
What is the reason for your smile?
Recently I posted a photo on a social networking site & got an impressive response (surprised!). Many of the positive comments we about my toothy smile. This got me thinking whether smiling for a camera is kind of a reflexive action for me. Just like how you close your eyes when you sneeze or cover your mouth when you cough. You spot a camera & you smile. Many times I go on to realise that I’m not even in the frame while I try to flash my best smile.
Why this obsession? I believe it’s a girl thing. I had an evening out last weekend with my 3 year old friend (actually very good friends’ daughter). Even at that age she knew how to perfectly pose for pictures. The smile & poses came so naturally that she could very well be a model. In contrast, my son has never stood still for a click even as he is about to turn 10 this year! There is this urgency to see the outcome. So before the camera can go ‘click’, he runs across to me, to see the picture, which usually is just a blur..
Another thing that I then noticed are the different types of smiles that people have.. I tend to flash my entire set every time, all the time. There is no other way for me. But then there are other types too, like, a no smile can actually be an internal smile that has not come onto the lips & remains in the eyes. A reluctant smile that only shows on the lips but not in the eyes. Then there is this side grin that seems to say, I know what you are up to (you know, the one with the arched eyebrows).. There is another closed full smile with no teeth showing… As if the entire set will fall off if displayed 🙂
This is what gets me to think, ‘where are your teeth when you smile’
Being a very talkative person, I always have something to say about everything. All this blogging is a new generation development & although I am not very old, I was still to jump into the temptation. I notice a lot of things around me and enjoy putting them in words, hence I had been maintaining a diary for a very long time. But the problem with a diary is that you don’t share it with the world to read. Over the years, the idea of having my own blog spot appealed to me & yesterday, I finally decided to make a start. I had decided to stay anonymous in this blogger world & hence my journey to find myself a suitable name began.
It is during this process that I came across the name ‘Isra’ that means freedom. I loved the sound of the name & also what it meant. Nothing defines me better than this. Now to this world of writers & readers, I will be known as Isra, the one who is free. Free from being judged, free in all thoughts and actions. This is a Turkish name & I am of Indian origin. To me this name also represents beauty, independence & confidence.
I am still very new here & don’t know how to get my blog noticed. Having someone to read & comment will be highly motivating. However I do feel the need to put my thoughts down more for myself than any other reason. So here I am world, Isra has arrived 🙂