I am the kind of person who trusts anyone very easily. I am extremely honest & expressive. Since I always communicate my feelings to those around me, be it my friends, family or even bosses /colleagues at work, I assume they would do the same in return. It is but natural that I had maximum faith in the family I got married into.
My marriage taught me to differentiate between different kinds of people. It showed me that just because I trust everyone does not mean that they live up to it. No one can change their basic nature, so while I continue to trust, I don’t get hurt anymore when I am let down.
This journey in the wrong road has made me more self-reliant.
My biggest fear in life was that I would end up lonely. I saw marriage as an investment purely for companionship for my later years. Today I realise that I have put my crucial years in a place where I can expect no returns.
These years have taught me that it is better to be alone than be lonely in a house full of people. I have learned to live alone. Have pursued so many interests that can keep me busy till I die. I don’t really need people anymore, definitely not the ones who don’t like to have me around. I have conquered my biggest fear.
I have learnt to enjoy my own company.
An abuse is an abuse no matter in which form. Silent treatment is not acceptable behaviour. Emotional manipulation cannot be determined or controlled. During my CA days we had a subject on audit where they taught us the difference between fraud and error. Error is a mistake that happens unknowingly, it can be rectified & improved. But Fraud on the other hand is intentional. It is very difficult to detect unless someone is really looking out for it. Emotional abuse/manipulation is as good as fraud. As long as you trust, you have no reason to believe that you are being manipulated and a subject of abuse. Only when you look with the intention of finding out the reason for your frustrations do you realise that you are being abused. This neither makes you stupid or the abuse acceptable.
It has taken me a really long time, but finally I have learnt to respect myself & my feelings. If something makes me uncomfortable, it is not my fault. The person causing the discomfort is to be blamed equally. Shifting of part blame on your partner relieves you of a lot of burden. After all, forgiveness is an inside job of accepting an apology you never received.
I have learnt to let go.
Parents are forever. No matter what changes in your life, how many relationship status’ you go through, your parents remain your parents. They are your creators & always mean you good. (Many might disagree here) My parents were never thrilled with my choice of husband, but they stood by me through my decision. Blame my upbringing or naivety, I always had more faith in the family I got married into. So whenever they pointed my mistakes (it happened all the time no matter what I did), I believed they were right & tried to make amends. It took me almost 13 years of married life to realise that they were not always right. But even today, it’s my parents who stand by me. I choose to not go back to them, but to either stay in this relationship & survive or move on independently.
This marriage has taught me that nothing is more precious than your relationship with your parents. They are always right & you are never really alone as long as you have them.
Love & trust your parents. Many times they understand you more than you expect them to.
- Never give up
Not everything in life turns out the way we intend. Many times what happens in our life, depends on other people & not all situations are in our control. It’s ok to change our course and start afresh or with a different perspective. That is not giving up, it is moving on. There is no failure until we have actually given up. If saving my marriage was the objective, then yes, I might have failed. But if being happy was my objective & I chose marriage as a means to do so, then no, I haven’t failed yet. I will just choose another means to get what I want.
Marriage has taught me to accept bad situations also as a part of life & not take it too personally. It never is always your fault.
Marriage has taught me to value myself more.