When my emotions got Misdirected

The biggest current blockbuster is probably Bajrangi Bhaijaan. I had heard so much about this movie that I wanted to watch it at any cost. Most people confessed to have walked out teary eyed, girls and boys, men & women alike. So when I did not cry, I wondered if I was emotionally dead. I did like the movie though. The movie is about a little 6 year old girl who is yet to start to speak (delayed speech). She gets left behind in a different country just as her train chugs across the border, separating her from her mother. Unable to speak, she ends up following a man who is forced to care of her much against his religious beliefs. Her charm & innocent ways transforms him slowly as he accepts her for who she is & reaches her back home safely to her parents. The movie is about this journey & is high on emotion, drama, action, comedy & everything else that one could ask for. It very subtly teaches us to be tolerant towards all religions without being too preachy. But still there were two things that distracted me from what I had gone to watch & left me more emotional than the movie itself.

One

I happen to be a movie buff & believe that this is not something that you do alone. I love watching & then discussing about the movie. Knowing exactly how much this means to me, the stranger I married, NEVER took me for a movie for about 10 years of our marriage. He was never short of excuses & blamed me for expecting him to accompany me. He expected me to go & watch it alone knowing how much I feel against it. Sometimes I would go with friends, but soon I gave up the effort. Then for the past 2-3 years he started to take me out, but then made sure not to utter a single word throughout, right from when we would leave the house till when we got back or the next morning. Making it seem to be a punishment or favour rather than a form of entertainment. The silence was so killing during these many weekends that we went out together, that I finally felt it was better to be alone than with a stranger I know sit beside me.

This friendship day i decided to spend it alone with myself. Not because i dont have friends, but i chose to have it this way. Yesterday, for the first time, I went alone to watch a movie. It was my little step towards a life that I now know I have to lead alone. It was really liberating. I was as expressive as I wished to be, without being judged. Slowly, he has won another small battle. With his passive aggressive ways, he has managed to push me to do what he really wanted all along. Another victory for him & learning for me. This left me highly emotional, as I was reminded of what my future might be like from now on.

Two

There was an elderly couple seated beside me. They were as old as my parents & very well dressed. During the interval, I went & bought myself some popcorn. As I sat munching on & waiting for the movie to resume, I heard the lady tell her husband that even she wished to have some. So the elderly gentleman went to buy a tub, but returned in couple of minutes empty handed. He then told her softly, that the cost of a small tub was Rs 170/- There was an awkward silence followed by what seemed like acceptance and then more silence. The movie had started by then, but my focus was on the couple. Should I offer them mine? Should I just go and buy them one tub? Would it appear rude? Would it hurt them more? They were well dressed & appeared affluent. Were they dressed in their best? Were they living off their children’s income & on a tight budget? Or did they have their own pension, but not enough to spend too much? Maybe the husband was just miserly & the lady had to put up with his ways. I could never tell & felt intrusive to do something myself. It felt sad that even at this age they had to sacrifice their little pleasures of life. Now, that left me more emotional than the movie.

But the movie is worth watching atleast once.

Advertisements

5 Things My Marriage Taught Me

  1. Trust

I am the kind of person who trusts anyone very easily. I am extremely honest & expressive. Since I always communicate my feelings to those around me, be it my friends, family or even bosses /colleagues at work, I assume they would do the same in return. It is but natural that I had maximum faith in the family I got married into.

My marriage taught me to differentiate between different kinds of people. It showed me that just because I trust everyone does not mean that they live up to it. No one can change their basic nature, so while I continue to trust, I don’t get hurt anymore when I am let down.

This journey in the wrong road has made me more self-reliant.

  1. Loneliness

My biggest fear in life was that I would end up lonely. I saw marriage as an investment purely for companionship for my later years. Today I realise that I have put my crucial years in a place where I can expect no returns.

These years have taught me that it is better to be alone than be lonely in a house full of people. I have learned to live alone. Have pursued so many interests that can keep me busy till I die. I don’t really need people anymore, definitely not the ones who don’t like to have me around. I have conquered my biggest fear.

I have learnt to enjoy my own company.

  1. Abuse

An abuse is an abuse no matter in which form. Silent treatment is not acceptable behaviour. Emotional manipulation cannot be determined or controlled. During my CA days we had a subject on audit where they taught us the difference between fraud and error. Error is a mistake that happens unknowingly, it can be rectified & improved. But Fraud on the other hand is intentional. It is very difficult to detect unless someone is really looking out for it. Emotional abuse/manipulation is as good as fraud. As long as you trust, you have no reason to believe that you are being manipulated and a subject of abuse. Only when you look with the intention of finding out the reason for your frustrations do you realise that you are being abused. This neither makes you stupid or the abuse acceptable.

It has taken me a really long time, but finally I have learnt to respect myself & my feelings. If something makes me uncomfortable, it is not my fault. The person causing the discomfort is to be blamed equally. Shifting of part blame on your partner relieves you of a lot of burden. After all, forgiveness is an inside job of accepting an apology you never received.

I have learnt to let go.

  1. Parents

Parents are forever. No matter what changes in your life, how many relationship status’ you go through, your parents remain your parents. They are your creators & always mean you good. (Many might disagree here) My parents were never thrilled with my choice of husband, but they stood by me through my decision. Blame my upbringing or naivety, I always had more faith in the family I got married into. So whenever they pointed my mistakes (it happened all the time no matter what I did), I believed they were right & tried to make amends. It took me almost 13 years of married life to realise that they were not always right. But even today, it’s my parents who stand by me. I choose to not go back to them, but to either stay in this relationship & survive or move on independently.

This marriage has taught me that nothing is more precious than your relationship with your parents. They are always right & you are never really alone as long as you have them.

Love & trust your parents. Many times they understand you more than you expect them to.

  1. Never give up

Not everything in life turns out the way we intend. Many times what happens in our life, depends on other people & not all situations are in our control. It’s ok to change our course and start afresh or with a different perspective. That is not giving up, it is moving on. There is no failure until we have actually given up. If saving my marriage was the objective, then yes, I might have failed. But if being happy was my objective & I chose marriage as a means to do so, then no, I haven’t failed yet. I will just choose another means to get what I want.

Marriage has taught me to accept bad situations also as a part of life & not take it too personally. It never is always your fault.

Marriage has taught me to value myself more.

The Maniac Runner

My day started when the alarm blared to a horrendous tone (even the sweetest music can sound bad if that’s the one waking you up from your Sunday morning sleep). Cursing myself for pursuing running as a hobby, I went on to make some fresh coffee to actually wake me up. (I was moving around like a zombie until then). The thought of a pleasant rainy day, picturesque surroundings & awesome company is what really made me get out of bed.

My strong cuppa followed by a sandwich infused some energy into me & off I went to join the rest of the group. We reached the location chosen for our run that day at about 6 AM. The weather was just perfect with strong cool breeze blowing & the sun nowhere in sight. Each of us started our own respective runs. I did’nt go with any plan, but let my body & my mood do the talking. Ended up doing a very Forrest Gump-ish run. I had no idea about the distance, pace or time I intended to run. I had no reason for running. I just ran because I felt like and at the pace that my feet agreed to carry me forward. I kept running till I thought I had enough, then, I turned back to go the start. (where the group had assembled)

Run 3
Endlessly long roads inviting for a run

I was on foot for more than one and a half hours when suddenly the winds grew stronger, the clouds grew darker. With just open land in all four directions, I could see the rains fast approaching. I kept running & the rains caught on with me within a minute or so, completely soaking me in its cool showers. The drops hits hard on my skin & it felt better than what any Jacuzzi could offer. The pure water was so sweet. I was now running with my arms stretched out looking upward to the sky & keeping my mouth slightly open, trying to take in as much rain as possible. Few villagers wearing plastic ponchos & running to find shelter in an otherwise open place, stopped to look at me with bewilderment. This was the best cool down I have ever experienced after a run.

A run in heaven
A run in heaven

I love Mumbai, I love Monsoon & I love running. Managed to cover a distance of about 14.5 kms (about 9 mi) in 1 hour 50 mins including a warm up & cool down walk of about 1.6 kms (1 mi). Happy week ahead!

The treadmill of life

Another week ends. My life is getting as hectic as it can probably get & I am loving it. The more I keep myself busy, the more I can be distracted from the truth. Some decisions are perhaps better not taken. So here I am living my regular day. Tweaking my schedule just that little bit to fit in as much as I can. Health & fitness is always last on the list, right next to sleep. You get one you lose the other! At least that’s how it is for me.

These days I have simply stopped planning to run on the roads. To compensate, I try extra hard & make some time to go to my office gym. The down side is that I am now forced to use a treadmill. I don’t know how anyone can do this to themselves. Imagine, you are running, panting but nothing around you really moves. There is this beautiful view that you face, but it seems so unreachable as the distance between you never diminishes. You see the same things around you, the same buttons on the machine and out of boredom, you keep looking at the seconds that seem to be ticking so slow that 30 minutes seem like forever. Then when you are sweating profusely, you suddenly see the weather getting enviously beautiful on the other side of the large window. Nice soft breeze accompanied by rains. And here you are in an air conditioned room looking at the showers that would otherwise drench you & rejuvenate you. I do feel like a chimp at the zoo, looking out of an enclosure. Now that is what indoor running does to me.

No choice here, so do just that as of now, 30 minutes of running but not getting anywhere.

Riddle Me This.

This was an unusual task that I was told to accomplish. You might know of it by now. I was to think of an ordinary paragraph, but with a variation. What is a paragraph proportion is still doubtful to yours truly. I think thirty words sounds good. But it could vary according to an individuals opinion. Am I wrong in my thought? This is a short paragraph with a goal. It is towards writing and to honour my nomination. I didn’t think at first that I could do it. But now I am happy.

____________________________________
I was nominated for the Allergic to ‘E’ challenge by Udit and here’s the result.
As you may (not) note above, the paragraph lacks the alphabet ‘E’. Thanks Udit for the nomination 🙂 not nominating anyone further..sorry to break the chain.

When your world comes crumbling down

My world was really small, filled with people I loved the most. Trusted the most. Had faith in, more than any God. The person I married & his parents. Accepted them for who they were, with all their flaws & expected the same in return. Sounds simple, right? One by one, they lost hope in me, without any reason whatsoever. As if it was planned. No reasons given.

When I open my eyes & look around, I see many people. My friends, family & my colleagues, who have been patiently waiting for me with complete belief, knowing the person I am. They know I am right just because it is me. No questions asked. But still I ignored them all this while, trying to please the people who didn’t even bother to look back & left me alone.

18 years of togetherness needs to be erased slowly, part by part, little by little. While I stand alone in the middle of nowhere, it feels like everything around me is crumbling & turning to dust. I want to run, but don’t know where to go. Every direction I turn to seems unexplored & new. Could lead to heaven or an inferno. Should I move or stay?

Life as I see it today.

Take life with a pinch of salt

I am a firm believer of destiny and Karma. What goes around comes around. So I am the kind of person who would never lie, cheat or be mean to anyone. Not because I am a very nice person, but out of fear that it will all come back to me in some way.

It’s simple, do good & get the same back. In people I believed. So, every time I went through a tough phase in life or marriage, I blamed myself. I was convinced that unknowingly I must’ve done something wrong in my life earlier. I must’ve hurt someone at least unintentionally, so it’s all coming back to me in a different way, when I least expected it. I thought of the silliest things. Like the time in college when I bunked a lecture & didn’t tell my mom or flirted with a boy without any intention of getting together. Or maybe the time I shop lifted a very low value item ( 1 Re) just for thrills or found some money on the street that I pocketed (as against giving it to the needy or finding the rightful owner). I could never find anything more than that, that I could’ve done.

After a decade of trying to find fault in myself, I have finally come to believe that not everything is Karma. Not everyone gets what they truly deserve in life. Sometimes, you just have to deal with things that come your way in the best possible manner.. With a pinch of salt.

That is life.

life after (a breakup)..

Once you know its over, the easiest thing to do, is to move on in life.

So I get up in the morning & go to brush my teeth, just to remember how we both had forgotten to pack our toothbrush on our first trip together. We shopped for one & bought identical ones. Along with my memories, I still hold that brush, stashed somewhere in. I cry a bit & then move on..

As I go into the kitchen to make some coffee, I remember when we fought over it once. It doesn’t matter anymore. I cry a bit & move on..

Then when I fix the meals for the day, I think of how you like the vegetable done. I make them exactly the way you would want it, reminding myself later that there will be no acknowledgement or appreciation in return. I cry a bit & move on..

I as leave for work, I look at the mirror & see myself. I know you wont look at me ever again, so I cry a bit, but then move on..

I return home later in the evening & sit by myself with no one to talk to. You were never there for me anyway even when I waited for you. I cry a bit & move on..

As wind up for the day & lie on bed, I know that I can never feel your caresses ever. There will be no comforting hugs when I sob, so I lie there awake staring at the ceiling, with you beside me sleeping blissfully. I Cry a bit & move on, to wake up another morning & live another day.